Monday, 9 February 2009


i happened to be walking up on the moor t'other week and lo i did behold a mighty beast, a huge wolf-dog in a raincoat with claws sharp as razors and a fag in his left paw. and he said unto me, 'where goest thou?' with a gruffness to his voice that bespoke of a thousand cigarettes smoked.
and i was most afraid of this mighty beastman and did shiver and shake and quake rather a lot in my black boots that alas leaked when it rained, and it was raining so i had very wet feet. and i uttered unto him in a weak, thin voice, 'i'm going to town to get some bread and some soya milk and some chocolate as i fear i am about to run out.'
and the beastman did say unto me, 'then let me befriend you as i do so love a fine bar of expensive chocolate and i find it everso hard to discreetly walk the aisles of these supermarkets as you modern folk do call 'em so if you don't mind i'd like you to do a bit of shopping for me...
'i'd like some rolling tobacco and papers, some whiskey, as my teeth are everso bad these days and make me howl through the night and a wee tot helpeth to numb the ache...and some chocolate digestives and cream for my supper and, least i forget, some oats to keep me regular as these mice and rats i eat are not as nutritional as the little girls and boys and grandmas and woodsmen i did swallow up in days gone by.'
with that he gaveth me a silver coin and asked that i return the change to him but it was a 5p piece, i believe he understood not the demon inflation, or else he was taking the piss. but as he was 7 foot high and smelt like a wet dog that'd just rolled in badger shit, i dared not question the coinage and slipped it quickly into my pocket beside my mobile phone and damp tissue.
thereupon i left the beast of the moor to wander hither and thither until i returned with his shopping. and i was mighty relieved to have survived the meeting with beastman, legend of the ancient moor.

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