Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Happy(?) New Year!

He wishes humans had evolved the ability to hibernate over winter and to live on cake, tea and chocolate alone. 
As we haven’t he’s a gloom connoisseur predicting environmental chaos which he’s really looking forward to cos it’ll mean he won’t have to get up for work as the office will be 10 foot under water and swamped with sewage. 
And, fingers crossed, the swindlers in Parliament will have drowned too. 
This thought is one of the few things that actually cheers him up.

Monday, 20 December 2010

A Beastie Christmas

Beastman’s up for a right old raucous Festive Season, it brings the animal out in him; he lets rip and stuffs his face full of mince pies, pet cats, Christmas cake and gallons of wine, nice! For it’s the time of the year for a right old knees up to chase away those winter blues cos the longest night is past; it’s a time for bloating out one’s gut gggrrrrhhhhhhhhhh!!!
And he farts and sniggers and it may be cat’s blood he’s drinking but don’t be alarmed, it’s all in the Spirit of Christmas...even when he scratches his claws down the side of 4 wheel drives parked in the posh part of town and pisses in the park iced with frost at 4am on the way back from the lock in.
“Tis all in good fun, and an ‘appy Christmas to you me luvs! ... Aaaggghhh tis good to be a Beast at heart and free of yer modern obsession with possessions and Christmas cards!”
Thus spake the Beast as he staggered back from gate crashing a pagan gathering marking the solstice, hippies he had much fun scaring witless as he appeared with a blood curdling GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010


She tries her best to be nice, to say the sweetest things and to smile. At the cashier, the bloke down the garage, her boss, her boss’s boss and even the cleaner of the office.
Sweat oozes out at times with the sheer effort of being nice; of not being seen as a threat, different, someone to not ask out, to lay into, to bitch about.

She spends hours at a time online dating, improving her accent, applying makeup. 

But cracks appear in her portrayal, her betrayal, of herself.


Friday, 3 December 2010

Coupled Up

They’ve been an item for five years now and it’s incredible how long it’s lasted considering he has Neanderthal eating habits and doesn’t wash from one month to the next. It must be his animal magnetism and innate insolence towards those in authority that keeps the flame alive; she’s always fancied a rebel.
And the magic certainly does spark up, like when he graffities the underpass with her name in a heart and climbs a crane with a banner demanding an end to speciesism and corporate destruction of the natural world.
Having said that though it can be hard living in the shadow of such a character; her best mate warned her ‘once a beast, always a beast’.
His unattractive traits like the fact he refuses ever to remove his coat and his uncontrollable urge to chase cats are things she finds hard to stomach. But after five years they’re still together. It must be love.