Saturday, 25 June 2011

Nightshift Nick

He escaped the northern town he grew up in by playing bass for a band who toured Europe before falling out with each other which is a lot further than most bands get.

At present he works the nightshift down the out of town massive monstrosity hub of capitalism supermarket where he suffocates nightly and very nearly goes mad with boredom. 

As a sideline and lifeline he places bets on anything and everything and is amassing a tidy little sum. He dreams of the sun.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The Romance of Margaret and Dan


'Beware women with red hair' that’s what his dad told him and he is actually one of those kids who does listen so when he saw Margaret with her fiery locks down the shopping precinct he darted fast as you could say Jack Sprat down the aisle of well to do kitchen shop. 


Alas, not fast enough cos as he sneaked a look around the aisle end hung with strainers, wooden spoons and stainless steel sieves, there she was stood!



Being a lass who doesn’t take no for an answer she marched him straight down the pub and treated him to seven pints of ale after which he threw up. 

A year on they’re a couple.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Anti-Establishment (Got Angst To Vent)


It’s been a difficult few months for republicans and anarchists alike with the royal wedding hoo-hah. Thank God this bloke doesn't have a TV, or a girlfriend either, into the intricacies of wedding dresses and etiquette.

Singledom has its uses.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Sweet Dreams Luv




This morning he’s a little somber, a little dazed. And the grey sky doesn’t help, or his hangover. 
So we’ll leave him his peace cos he’s in no mood to natter.
And I reckon after a nice cuppa he’ll be straight back to bed, duvet pulled up over his head to block out that one chink of light that ever escapes the curtain’s side. 
And we won’t ask him what he got up to last night cos I’m sure he was an impeccable guest and didn’t drink tequila like a maniac or run around wearing nothing but a straw hat. 
Not this chap…tho he is having some worrying flashbacks.

Ssshhh now, he’s made it to bed, his head’s beginning to nod. 
Sweet dreams luv.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

The Ship Inn




‘I was down The Ship Inn t’other week and this lass walked in like no other lass I’ve ever seen before for more like a cat was she with head of brindle fur touching lightly her tracky top. 

'If I’d’ve been into psychic phenomena I’d’ve said she was a visitor from a parallel realm or the consequence of some fairytale enchantment. 

 


‘But, being  a simple bloke who loves reality TV, pub grub and a nice cup of tea all I could do was sit, mouth agape, staring into those fathomless eyes until a well hard bloke piped up, thus breaking cat girl’s tingly spell.




‘Oi, where’s my pint?’ yelled he. 
I glanced amongst the empty glasses on the table, drips sticking beer mats to table top.

‘I see not your pint mate, maybe you finished it?’

‘With that he aimed a ferocious swipe throwing me from my comfy fire side seat, spittle splatterering the wood chip wall of decades old dart holes.





‘He then staggered out, beer gut squishing. I fell to drinking my ale but, looking around, I perceived cat girl had disappeared! 

'I heaved a weighty sigh as I feared I had fallen in love with this enchanted lass now heading down some darkened alley where tom cats howled.’ 


Saturday, 19 March 2011

Madgy Figgy's Chair


In days of yore it was rumoured that ‘ugly old hags sold themselves to Satan’ merely to get some spiteful revenge on their neighbours. But really there was a lot more to being a witch than cursing, though of course this was a perk of the job. 

For example, the buzz of riding on a broomstick, three legged stool or even a piece of yellow-flowered ragwort and getting blind drunk on medicinal brews whilst having a right old knees up (which if you are ugly and old beats sitting hunched up in a damp cottage darning stockings). Magicking away some of the stingy squire’s favourite rum and making yourself invisible through use of ‘fairy ointment’ to do a bit of shoplifting down the local market also rank high on the list of a witch's must-dos.

If the local devil deigned to join in the coven’s full moon festivities then all the better because even more fun could be had leaping over the golden flames of the bonfire hand in hand with his devilish lordship the Bucca Boo (to give him his Cornish name), singeing hems and heels in the process, and diving for a quick snog in the bushes for good luck and prosperity.

Madgy Figgy was a witch who lived in the Land’s End area of Cornwall and her reputation has stood the test of time. She even has a pile of rocks named after her, ‘Madgy Figgy’s Chair,’ high up on the granite cliffs edging the turquoise Atlantic Ocean. Figgy sat there whilst calling up the spirits of the winds and was wont to swing herself from side to side when a storm was brewing to lure the vessels, struggling against the winds to reach the safety of the harbour, onto the jagged rocks beneath. Many a shriek echoed around the cliff tops as the witches croaked their miserable delight over the perishing crews whom they were about to rob of the treasures they were bringing home from distant lands

From the Chair Figgy poured forth all manner of curses and none could escape her noxious spells. She would take flight like some terrifying bird, mounted on a stem of ragwort. Figgy headed a band of witches who flew to Wales or Spain where they partied, stole milk from cows and plundered veg from the land. On their return each one alighted with all her goodies in some convenient spot near her cottage, hopefully avoiding the brambles.

No one can say for how long the Chair has been the midnight rendezvous for witches. Many a person now sleeping quietly in the nearby churchyard could attest to having seen the witches flying by on moonlit nights carrying with them the things necessary to make their charms and potions. And to this day Madgy Figgy, some say, can still be seen flying high over the windswept cliffs like a bird of prey, her cackle the sound of drowned sailor’s cries.


Tuesday, 8 March 2011

So Are You Listening?

...Her husband didn’t and ended up with his riled wife armed with a very large sword pinning him to the wattle and daub wall. Fortunately for him, she let her angst out on his beard rather than his jugular, severing it from his aghast face with one fatal slice.

Unfortunately for him, his beard was his pride and joy, a fiery ginger carpet tumbling down to his fleshy knees and praised in many a poem by the clan bard.

This marital incident was immortalised in verse due to the two them already being notorious characters involved in many an infamous cattle raid of the Celtic era. The stanzas, performed by quick-witted bards singing along to enchanted harps, were passed down through the ages by subsequent poets, troubadours and random delinquents, culminating in the collected works entitled, ‘One Woman One Sword: The History Of A Warrior Queen And A Beard.’
The epic poem has been translated into modern vernacular by Professor Hilary Figg to mark Women’s Day 2011. The original, being 1,279 verses in length, has not been printed here due to issues of space and reader’s attention span. However, the Celtic Queen herself who went by the name of Angry Ethel has been immortalised in this portrait discovered rolled up in an urn in the damp recesses of a cave in Pembrokeshire in 1971.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Mr Myxomatosis



Your rage is ill-formed and unable
To fit into sentences which would enable
You to vent your hatred so instead it stews
Contorting muscles and distorting your view
As if myxomatosis had spread right through
You.

Monday, 21 February 2011

Fun

Being a party animal is not something this bloke knows about. I mean, you have to neck back the beer and jump around enthusiastically to music whilst retaining some level of kudos and an ability to pull.
Mmm...not to mention the three day hangover and flashbacks.
Deffo not his cup of tea. 
Though he did tell me t'other day he's thinking of having a makeover.

Friday, 11 February 2011

The Bucca-dhu (Black Spirit)


The old Cornish word "Bucca” belongs to the same family of words as the Irish "Pooka" and the Welsh "Pwcca" meaning a person of a mischievous disposition, one about whom there is something weird or wisht (in the old-fashioned magical sense), and also a frightful apparition. Bucca-dhu is a black spirit and Bucca-gwidden a white spirit.

There is a story told of an old lady who lived long ago in Cornwall who was so fond of card-playing that she would walk almost every winter's night, in spite of wind or rain, to a nearby village that she might enjoy her favourite pastime. 


The old lady's step-daughter wished to put a stop to what she regarded as a rather scandalous past time, as the old dame seldom arrived home before the small hours of the morning!

With this in mind she persuaded a local lad to array himself in a white sheet to impersonate a ghost that was often seen wandering about a lonely spot over which the old dame had to pass. This was to scare her so witless she'd never walk that path again and thus bring an end to her card-playing proclivities.


 
The winter's night was dark and rainy when at about midnight he seated himself on a stile, whereupon he had to wait another two or three hours; the dear old lady was in no hurry to leave such pleasant company! 

At last she passed by, seated herself to draw breath, and sensing some mischief upon seeing the white figure said, 
"Hello Bucca-gwidden, what cheer? And what in the world dost thee do here with the Black Bucca-dhu so close behind thee, ready to take you away to his firey realm?"

That an evil spirit might be right behind him so frightened the young lad that he ran off as fast as he could lay feet to ground, throwing the white sheet into the brambles at his side. The old lady scampered after, clapping her hands and calling,
"Well done Black Bucca-dhu, now thee will catch White Bucca-gwidden and take him away with thee!" 

 
Of course the old lady was playing a fine trick on the young man who was so frightened he fell into a fit and was never right in the head again, thus becoming a real Bucca, as was wont to happen in the olden days when folk were far more suceptible to visitors from the spirit realm than us lot today with our heads immersed in tweets. So, the strong-minded, sociable old lady enjoyed many more years of her favourite past time and in fact her descendents still live in the area to this day. 

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Success

“Prescription drugs give me love of a certain kind,
Pills I pop to relieve the tensions of my mind.
Prozac gives the feeling of the softening of reality
And with Viagra I make love with huge vitality.
Got dumped by the ex, now my life's a success -
Full of drugs and sex.”

Monday, 24 January 2011

Psycho Dog

"Had a dog I couldn’t get rid of, a psycho terrier who barked incessantly at any provocation whatsoever. 
And in an irritating high pitched yap at that like chalk on blackboard or a bus screeching to a halt.
Tried to palm him off on my boyfriend, my mum, my mum’s boyfriend, the bloke down the pub.
No takers.
They all knew his nature.
DAMN!"

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Stilettos


Stilettos make him shake cos when he was a pup he was a sweet little darling and the girls loved his big round eyes and tickled his ears and stroked him under the chin and on his belly and he’d roll over in puppy delight until one angsty stilettoed lass came along and spitefully stood on his puppy dog tail.
This incident ended his innocence when it came to women.
‘Happens to us all’ said his dad.