Criteria

The criteria weren't broad enough for him to be included.

Soon Be Over

Marvin‘s Christmas present to himself is to boycott Christmas.

Ahhhh the peace.

Mmm...Except for the neighbour’s illuminated Santa hanging from the drain pipe and flashing Christmas lights keeping him awake.

Oh well. Soon be over.

Ne'er-Do-Wells

It’s not just the housework: scrubbing scum from the bath and scraping food from the sink so the mice don’t get fat, but the whole task of living that makes her irate. The repetitive letters spewed out by government computers threatening her with a court case, a fine, imprisonment, transportation to Tasmania (mmm...maybe not a bad thing) for missing a payment.

Indeed until not that long ago she'd read they transported folk to Van Diemen’s Land for poaching a rabbit, cutting down a tree without permission or spending a month in the company of travellers. Beware those of no fixed abode!

Mind you, thought she, the past was a bloodthirsty place with twenty thousand day-trippers flocking to public hangings to view in the flesh (no internet back then) those unfortunate enough to be tagged deviant and hung from the scaffold. 

Picture the crowd scoffing their picnics dressed in their best for this much discussed social event hyped up by cheap pamphlets detailing the ‘final words’ and grimaces of those lawfully murdered.

And if the powers that be today had their way she’s sure they’d reintroduce such measures of population control to keep at bay all those benefit fraudsters and ne’er-do-wells. And media entrepreneurs would publish blogs detailing the last gurgles of the publically murdered, share pictures and tags. Oh how the ‘likes’ would multiply and all that revenue from ads!

Thus is the turn of her mind whilst doing the washing up. Makes her go Ggggrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

White Rabbit

White rabbits are the deftest darting under the shed, the decking or into the garage mess. Why ever did she get a rabbit? To save it from a cooped up pet shop cage and as a symbolic gesture for all those rabbits experimented upon in barbaric labs, chemicals rubbed in their eyes, their brains opened up.

Thus she lives on edge having liberated this fiend of fleetness that eats her French marigolds and taunts her terrier that shakes like a leaf at one whiff of rabbit smell: terriers have been honed down the centuries to be ratters and rabbiters extraordinaire, the poacher’s dream on a moonless night. But in suburbia he’s another white test of the nerves as he lunges for the liberated rabbit disappearing behind the barbeque, rediscovering her wild rabbit ancestry in this modern world.

 

Tho recently the fleet beast did disappear for a few nights...off after a mate or tastier dandelions on the other side of the fence? She even suspected the fat ginger tom down the road had finished her off. But white rabbit reappeared munching nonchalantly a couple of days ago.

Maybe in the end a neighbour will flatten her one night with his four wheel drive on the smooth tarmac of the cul-de -sac or an urban fox will commit the final act. Not a nice end for the twitchy red-eyed madam bringing all these thoughts of death...

So she prays she long continues her escapade and doesn’t get caught on CCTV eating the neighbour’s much lauded sweet peas.

Sweet Dreams Luv

This morning he’s a little somber, a little dazed. And the grey sky doesn’t help, or his hangover. 

So we’ll leave him his peace cos he’s in no mood to natter.

And I reckon after a nice cuppa he’ll be straight back to bed, duvet pulled up over his head to block out that one chink of light that ever escapes the curtain’s side. 

And we won’t ask him what he got up to last night cos I’m sure he was an impeccable guest and didn’t drink tequila like a maniac or run around wearing nothing but a straw hat. 

Not this chap…tho he is having some worrying flashbacks.

Ssshhh now, he’s made it to bed, his head’s beginning to nod. 

Sweet dreams luv.

The Ship Inn

‘I was down The Ship Inn t’other week and this lass walked in like no other lass I’ve ever seen before for more like a cat was she with head of brindle fur touching lightly her tracky top. 

'If I’d’ve been into psychic phenomena I’d’ve said she was a visitor from a parallel realm or the consequence of some fairytale enchantment. 

 


‘But, being  a simple bloke who loves reality TV, pub grub and a nice cup of tea all I could do was sit, mouth agape, staring into those fathomless eyes until a well hard bloke piped up, thus breaking cat girl’s tingly spell.

‘Oi, where’s my pint?’ yelled he. 

I glanced amongst the empty glasses on the table, drips sticking beer mats to table top.

‘I see not your pint mate, maybe you finished it?’

‘With that he aimed a ferocious swipe throwing me from my comfy fire side seat, spittle splatterering the wood chip wall of decades old dart holes.

‘He then staggered out, beer gut squishing. I fell to drinking my ale but, looking around, I perceived cat girl had disappeared! 

'I heaved a weighty sigh as I feared I had fallen in love with this enchanted lass now heading down some darkened alley where tom cats howled.’ 

Mr Myxomatosis

Your rage is ill-formed and unable

To fit into sentences which would enable

You to vent your hatred so instead it stews

Contorting muscles and distorting your view

As if myxomatosis had spread right through

You.

Cowman

Cow eyes make him want to weep. He thinks he may have been a cow in a past life, which is why he gave up eating meat. He’d like to believe in a higher, benevolent power but thinks this may be fantasy, so he trundles along in his daily life with the dream of waking up one day to bird song, not an alarm.
He likes clotted cream and country walks. If he could have his own way he’d move out of town, buy a piece of land and do permaculture. But he’s only read books on the subject and done a week’s course on a farm where he stayed in a yurt and was taught basket weaving and digging.
He likes wellies and women in knitted jumpers, though he keeps this to himself.

Bluedogman

Dogs have big teeth like wolves. But they can also be trained quite easily, to sit up & beg, to roll over on their backs, to fetch a ball. Unfortunately though, they often have bad breath. This can be alleviated by crunchy charcoal dog biscuits. But remember, hide chews cause excessive salivation as do hot cars & the sight of a rabbit bounding over the hill.

To treat your dog well you must give him a comfortable bed to sleep in, make sure he gets plenty of fresh air, & long country walks. If you leave him couped up at home whilst at work in the office you may return home to find your sofa in shreds as well as your favourite pair of pink fluffy slippers. This would be most unfortunate.

So my advice would be to give up your job, buy a van & travel around Europe playing the fiddle whilst he howls & tourists chuck coins into your hat. Now what an adventure that'd be!

Cor...Books!

 Over 200 illustrations collected together in two books called Sing & Stuff! If you'd like to purchase a book or two they are available from my website at peachweb.










I know for sure the finicky folk of Sing & Stuff would love to be given a home by you...they are a nosey lot tho & may cause a little mischief around the house, after all piskey is amongst the pages, the well known & notoriously naughty character from folk lore who still lurks beneath the stairs, in the darkest corner & in the garden shed...You have been warned!

Merbabe & Dogman On Holiday

Merbabe is the Mermaid of Zennor babified. She thought she'd come onland for a bit of fun, maybe even seduce a bloke whilst he's too drunk to see her tail hidden beneath her pink & orange sarong. By the way, you can always tell a mermaid by her wet hem. Be warned.
Dogman is a jack-the-lad, the Beast of Bodmin down from the moor & on holiday. He's in St Ives eyeing up the babes, enjoying the ale & pretending he can surf, but he can't. He's such a slacker....except when it comes to food. He can gobble up old grandmas & children whole.

Lorry

He came over with a grudge the size of a lorry, his face smeared with oil.
He’d been fixing his car he said.
This was not a good day to ask him for a favour.